Toilet Bowl. Tank Bowl. ASS bowl. Whatever you want to call it, there’s always a game every year in the NFL between the 2 worst teams in the league, where the internet tries to bully people because they know they’re going to bet on it. Well listen internet, I’ve bet on Madden Simulations on Twitch, so a (debatably) REAL NFL game featuring the Bears and Panthers is a luxury.

The spread opened and closed at Bears -3, and after a Panthers 79 yard punt return to start the game, it looked like that was going to be a bet that you never tell anyone about. The only thing worse than betting on this game in general is betting on a trashcan of a team that LOSES to the other trashcan team. However, the Bears stayed in the game after Bryce Young tried his hardest to keep throwing interceptions, even though he’s not even good at that. *This* was going to be the game that finally killed Al Michaels. Full transparency, I started scrolling Instagram Reels, seeing a decades worth of racist comments, and when I finally locked in again, the game was over:

HAHA! No fucking way. Bears -3 bets? Don’t count. sorry. Panthers +3 bets? Also don’t count. Millions of people just watched one of the worst American Football games of all time just to have their bets negated. 100/100 people asked would definitely rather lose their bets than have that happen.

“oH BuT sTeW i gOt pAnThErS +3.5! i wOn mY bEt!”

Shut up bro. No you didn’t. Don’t bother sending me screenshots of a bet slip, because I know they’re fake.

It’s no mistake that the NBA is HUGE worldwide. We see human punching bags like James Harden shaking hands and kissing babies when going over to China, or the videos of Kobe Bryant greeted like the Pope when he touches down in Europe. The NBA is massive, and is watched by hundreds of millions of people, regardless of what your Uncle Dan preaches at the Thanksgiving dinner table after a glass of wine.

However, it seems that a new country wants the throne of biggest NBA fan. The snazzy country of Brazil has taken over NBA twitter with INSANE tweets like these from “official” team accounts:

This screenshot from a video (I have no idea how to post a video) shows an angry carnivorous mammal, presumably a timberwolf, devouring the mascot of the team they beat that day. This video made the ROUNDS on Twitter, as such a LiveLeak type video from an official team account caught quite literally everyone off guard. However, after extensive research (clicking on the profile), it became evident that these accounts are in fact run by fans, and they’re not official team accounts. That’s… good? I guess? But regardless of who these accounts are run by, they don’t just stop with the Timberwolves:

Usually, when a team wins a game against another team, they take the route of maybe showing the final score, or using the city or team’s name in a quirky, punny caption. Raptors Brazil took the road less traveled (or never traveled), and posted an X-Rated picture of a Raptor giving his prehistoric wrench to a timberwolf.

In an insanely hard to believe statement, the content posted by these NBA Brazil accounts actually gets worse. We know how much twitter accounts such as BleacherReport or House of Highlights like to hype up players like Steph Curry, but Warriors Brazil showed love to the baby-faced assassin in an outrageous fashion, one to make Steph never (or really want to) come within 10,000 miles of Brazil:

Alright on to the next one.

The Suns version of the Brazil Twitter Takeover went a different route in the attempt to rile up NBA fans, this time showing a new type of jersey swap between long time playoff rivals Devin Booker and Luka Doncic.

Lastly, we had Eastern Conference juggernaut Milwaukee Bucks visit the Toronto Raptors. We’ve already seen what the Raptors posted after beating an unserious team such as the Minnesota Timberwolves, but I’m sure we can expect them to act like they’ve been there before after beating the Bucks, in what I’m sure will be a playoff matchup? Right?

Nope! The Bucks “official” Brazil Twitter account posted a video of a buck being annihilated by a moving vehicle. Fuck yeah.

If you feel like you need a shower after scrolling Brazil NBA Twitter after a night of games, you’re not alone. However, this is an “adapt or die” world, so maybe we’ll see the American NBA Twitter accounts follow suit, and instead of the Miami Heat posting a highlight of Jimmy Butler draining a 3-Pointer, we’ll see an AI photo of Lebron burning alive in a house fire, or something like that.

As the JPEG states, I have been quite occupied fornicating (with girls) since my last blog published on April 14, 2020. However, I took a break to grab some air and here I am. Since I clicked “publish” on my riveting piece about Addison Rae and pickles, so many events have transpired. The very vegetable that I fell in love with as a kid that caused years and years of bullying and therapy now has a SPORT named after it, so gonna have to take credit for that one I fear. We have a new president, I have significantly fewer hairs on the crown of my head (That’s phase 2), and Betty White fucking DIED at 99 years old, making me realize that I never quite kept it 💯 with you… (you don’t have to respond but I hope you and your family are doing well.)

Another death that rocked the land was the one that belonged to rapper “Takeoff”, who is better known by his family and friends as *squints at Wikipedia page* Kirshnik Khari Ball. Kirshnik, or Takeoff, for short, was killed on Halloween night over a dice game (whatever that means) and was an innocent bystander when he was caught in the crossfire from this altercation.

Shortly after, a video surfaced on Twitter of Takeoff’s “Migos” group member and Uncle, Quavo, visibly upset over this tragedy.

Pretty much like everyone else who watched this video, my first thought was, “Why is Quavo taking this so hard? It was only his nephew and best friend, as well as 1/3 of his ultra-famous rap group? It’s not THAT big of a deal where he has to scream and cry over something as minor as a loss of life? Why is he being such a baby??”

Well my confusion and questions were quickly resolved and answered the next day when fellow rapper known as “Fivio Foreign” cleared up why Quavo was so inexplicably distraught over the slaughtering of his friend and family member:

Ah, of course.

How foolish and close-minded of me to completely brush over this fact, and without this tweet, I would still be scratching my dome in confusion, letting it eat away at me, wondering WHY Quavo was indeed suffering to such a great extent.

There is no mistake that the tweet author, Fivio Foreign, has a way with words that can swoop anyone off of their respective feet. With lyrical classics such as “Goin Dummi” and “Baddie On My Wish List”, Fivio knows how to capture an audience. When Fivio Foreign starts talking, you shut up, you listen, and you take notes.

Although the past is the past, and cannot be changed, it would be remiss of me to not wonder how Quavo would have reacted to Takeoff’s death if he was another star sign, perhaps if he was born in fucking July or something. While this is all hypothetical, I have made an executive decision to find out how HARD Quavo would take the death if he was every star sign other than the one he is, an Aries.

If Quavo was a Capricorn

If Quavo was born between December 22nd and January 19th, this would have gone down a LOT differently. Based off hours of lab work and research, I have come to the conclusion that if Quavo was a Capricorn, he would be still be crying, however, they would be waterfalls of joy, similar to those of LeBron James after winning the 2016 NBA Finals.

If Quavo was an Aquarius

If Quavo wasn’t an Aries and was an Aquarius instead, his reaction almost certainly would’ve replicated his dance moves at his Lollapalooza set, which would have caused an UPROAR on social media. Thank god Quavo isn’t an Aquarius.

If Quavo was a Pisces

If Quavo was born just 1-2 months prior to his actual birthday, his reaction would have most likely been the polar opposite. Like this viral 2015 post from Big Fendi, Quavo would have actually stunted on Takeoff’s lifeless corpse, perhaps posing in front of it with his hands crossed, or even throwing up two (2) middle fingers.

If Quavo was A Taurus

If Quavo was conceived just a couple weeks later, there would be no screaming. There would be no cries for help. There would be no praying. There would only be his left arm, his right arm, and the most disrespectful dab of 2022. Referencing his popular 2015 song with his nephew “Look At My Dab”, this would have been the perfect reactIon to watching someone pass away, however, only Tauruses are capable of pulling off such a stunt, which Quavo is NOT, so he DIDN’T. Next astrology sign please.

If Quavo was a Gemini

Let’s cut the shit. It’s not ridiculous to believe that Quavo would hit the WAP if he was a Gemini during Takeoff’s unfortunate Halloween night. No questions at this time.

If Quavo was a Cancer

According to Today.com, Cancer signs take pride in their work, contrary to other signs who fucking hate their work and everything they do no matter how much time, effort, and money they put into it. Sorry idiot, if you want to be proud of something you accomplish, you gotta be a Cancer.

Nothing says pride in their work like deep throating and fisting 2 barrels of bud lattes after work while your wife is 3 hours deep in relationship forums going over the pros and cons of divorce.

While Quavo might be a little sad about his nephew literally dying, he would never show it if he was a Cancer, and instead might chuck back some suds with the fellas.

If Quavo was a Leo

Lastly, Quavo as a Leo would likely see him go the route of another famous Leo, Logan Paul, who saw a dead body and decided to not only film it, but also watch it again, edit it, and still post it on YouTube. This astonishingly low level of care to seeing a dead body is a concept that Quavo can only dream of, as we all know how ridiculous he behaved when he saw a dead body before his very eyes.

At the end of the day, Quavo being born in early April absolutely fucked him, as any other time of the year he would’ve handled this unfortunate day just like any other, maybe letting out a slight “Damn” and moving on. However, he was born in this demon period, forcing himself to freak out beyond his control and take this “shit” hard, because he, Quavo, is an Aries, and they take shit hard.

****UPDATE**** I’m being told I forgot Scorpios and Virgos. Fuck Scorpios and Virgos.